Death in the Family, tears for some

After some seriously difficult 'transactions' with a brother of mine, I have been seriously reconsidering my own tactics and understanding of how to be a family member.  A day later--today--my best friend's father died.  These two unrelated situations sort of taste the same in my mouth.  Let me explain a bit.


Robert Gohl was a business owner and community member here in Central Minnesota.  I met him a few times and really enjoyed his company.  I was the best man in his son's wedding, and his son stood in mine.  When I got the phone call today, I could only say that my thoughts and prayers are with the rest of his family.  I cannot imagine what Ryan is feeling today.

I am mixed up in my mind today.  My family is so screwed up--case in point, my brother and I don't really like each other and he ridicules my Savior as the "Zombie-Jesus who is coming again!!!!" while calling me stupid for my principled political positions; while on the other hand, I don't particularly think his punk-nihilistic lifestyle is an upstanding and helpful position for society and culture and is fundamentally bathed in an apathy that screams lovelessness--and our relationships within the family are so tattered that I pondered my feelings for any family members that might meet their Maker before me.  In light of Ryan's recent experience, my thoughts naturally fell on my own father.

I can honestly say that I am unsure if I would cry if he died today.
As heartless as this sounds, I have a reasoning behind it.

My father instilled courtesies and politeness in us as kids this is sure.  We were very well-behaved boys, the three of us, but I think it had more to do with fear than with respect.  No, I am sure it did.  We always got great compliments, well my parents did, for being great kids.  I remember thinking that, "you don't know a thing about us and our lives" whenever I heard those encouragements.  I recall thinking how I couldn't wait until I was of legal age; indeed, when I turned 18 I left, to the destruction of my 'traditional' path onward to college.

So, if my father passed-on in this stage of our lives, I can't say I am able to predict any certain feeling.  Of course, for all I know, I am blind to the realities of the situation and many conflicting feelings would surface.  I know that I would certainly be remorseful that my pleading for his eternal salvation fell on 'atheist-tinged' ears that claimed, "that is what YOU believe."  Funny, this postmodern truth-claim coming from a modernist.  I would be sad that his prideful position of, "I am always correct and no one can convince me otherwise"--a position with which I am intimately familiar--was impossible to break through.  I will not, for example, say as he did about his father, "I will piss on his grave."  I am not like that.  I am blessed to agree when I am wrong.

I think that for my mother I will most certainly shed tears.  I mean, as much as he beat and tyrannized her, she is sweetly and loyally his wife to this day.  She never let him down for all the years they have been together.  I will grieve with her and be there for her.  I will probably change the life of my family so that I could be available to take care of her.  Even though I harbor deep-seated resentment coupled with feelings of abandonment towards her even to this day, I don't fully blame her because the situation is not simple; being a man, I still haven't sorted through those feelings completely and likely never will.

But I don't know if I will cry for him.  This is sad.

I am so convinced that the Gospel is Reality and Truth; if you read this, you need to hear it again.  Death has been swallowed up by Life--Jesus died so humankind could return to the Father with no worries.  You too have offended God and need to be redeemed by the Blood of the Lamb Who will return bodily.  Plus, rest assured: Science has proven God if you just look with clear eyes.  Don't let former cult-system teachings sway your thinking anymore.